July 11th was our 13th anniversary. I know that some people look at that number and think that it is incredibly long. When most people are getting divorces after 2 or 3 years, it would seem that way to them. While others look at that number and scoff because in the blink of an eye they have hit 30, 50 or 60 years of wedded bliss. In the past, I have looked at that number in awe.
12 year!?!?! Wow...that is a significant number.
Or I have looked at it with smugness. 11 years?!?! And they said we wouldn't make it past 2! HA!
Or I have looked at it with wonder. 10 years?!?! When did this happen? I feel like we have only been married 2!
Or I have looked at it with reverence. 9 years...giving a prayer of sincere thanks to God for all that we have "All because two people fell in love" referring to our children.
Or with slight anger. 8 years!?!?! All he could get me was an e-mail!!! Granted he was probably in another country at the time.
Somewhere around years 7, 6, 5, 4 and 3 the feelings were all mixed up and went something like this:
"what are we doing??
We shouldn't be married!
Ah...we make the greatest married couple ever!
When will he stop doing that!?!
He is so amazing!
What is wrong with us!?!??! Maybe we shouldn't be married.
He wants kids...I should leave because I can't have them.
I want kids...what is wrong with ME?
I can't live without him/her.
I love that I get to spend the rest of my life holding his hand.
We are sealed together for ETERNITY!!!!!! AGGGH!
We are sealed together for eternity...thank you, Heavenly Father...I wouldn't want it any other way!"
Years 1 and 2? Well, we figured it would be hard...and we were right. That's all I'm saying.
But this year is different as I realize that after 13 years a lot of things have changed and changed back and changed again throughout our marriage. I woke up...looked in the mirror and saw the beginning of a fine line across my forehead and realized that the biggest changes were within myself. I had grown up...mostly. I had gotten older for sure! But not grown up entirely. I was a week away from my 19th birthday on our wedding day...still 18. I know that a lot of people judged that rather harshly...and frankly, wrong. I was mature and aware of the hardships and responsibilities that went along with marriage and I took it all very seriously. So seriously, that I might not have had as much fun as I should have over the years. I spent a lot of time trying to prove the naysayers wrong. I WAS in fact ready for marriage, although over the years 3,4,5,6 and 7 there were definite questions within myself, but now I know that I was ready. I had been ready since I was about 12. Ready in the sense that I was responsible and concerned for the welfare of others...and mostly because it was like I was a 30 year old even then. There just wasn't time to be a complete and total carefree child! I had things to do, goals to meet, people to take care of and EXPECTATIONS! I'm not saying I wasn't a fun person...I was...but it was always tempered. I never had that rebellious streak...I never let myself get carried away...ever. Ok...I was uptight for the most part. This is not to say that I didn't have my eccentricities...I did. On a side topic, in my acting studies this trait would be both my biggest hindrance and biggest asset...if you know my acting you know what I am talking about. Back to marriage though. I realized this year (I've KNOWN it, but not ever fully comprehended until now) that
MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE HAS BEEN WITH DAVID.
Now, this is a significant realization because it means several things. He has journeyed with me on my own self discovery. He has seen all of my adult learning experiences from learning to do laundry to aging to hitting that point where my body actually stops growing and then starts expanding. He has been with me through every significant life choice that I have made. Did I need him to do all of these things? No, not necessarily...but he has made a significant contribution in supporting me. Things would definitely have been different without him or his influence. Honestly, sometimes I am sad about that and I wonder "what if?" But when I glance around at my beautiful family and ponder our journey I quickly toss those "what if's" aside and realize that eventually, if we keep plugging along they won't matter. I know that I'm expected to be all gushy and flattering about marriage on my anniversary and in most of the years past I have been...but by now I think I have enough wisdom (though not that much!) to be able to be candid about my marriage. It has been hard work at times, easy sometimes, soul crushing occasionally, identity erasing, identity creating, forcing compromises I never dreamed I would have to make, a complete balancing act...but OVERALL it has been worth it. There are things that I will probably never accomplish because I was married...but there are things I already have accomplished because I was.
And I think that is pretty amazing.
Year 13 will be less serious and more fun because in 5 years...I will not only still be married for all of my adult life....but for half of my life! I will explore the significance of that fact then.
At the risk of being a little silly (I'm allowed!)
I LOVE DAVID!
