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Holland Edition/Addition: Special Delivery

estimated DOD: July 31st

We are in week 12. Not past it yet, so I don't feel too safe to announce, but because I'm already showing and the people around me are going to start asking questions...I have to just go ahead and announce that child number 4 is inside of me!

After I returned from my girlcation in Nepal, finished the run of the musical Shoah in Amsterdam and filmed a short movie in Leiden, went to an audition in Paris ( where coincidentally, I told them I was NOT pregnant!) and made a nice Thanksgiving family dinner, with school events sprinkled throughout...I had a few days of some down time. During that time David and I discussed how my career could finally start with the kids in school and whether or not we should have one more child - there was this feeling that one was missing. We had to choose one or the other because my body was demanding it...we couldn't do both. We went to the Temple specifically to ponder and fast over this issue. We left feeling disappointed because we didn't get an impression one way or the other. Try (because trying is a HUGE thing for my body!) or move on? For the first time (we thought!) we left without an answer or even a feeling one way or the other about a major decision. Later, we would find out that Heavenly Father didn't need to answer us in a recognizable way, because he had already placed the little blessing in our lives. A few days later, I literally was so tired that I couldn't even stay awake as I crawled up the stairs to my bed and then slept for a solid 3 hours. I woke up with Parker sitting beside me asking if I was ok. I thought "something is wrong with me, I don't have a doctor in this country, but I need to see one! I can't even stay awake to look after Parker - thank goodness he is a solitary, good little soul! Maybe I have the flu or mono." and a few minutes later I felt impressed to take a pregnancy test. As if! (I won't get into it in-depth, but let's just say that the percentage of my just getting pregnant at this point is like .001%) I took it anyway - why not? I always love a little bit of negativity in my life and I am a glutton for punishment. That thing turned positive so fast! I took another one (after forcing liquids down)! And an even quicker response!

That evening I got to do a classic! I lied to David (and not well!) that there was something wrong with the oven. He turned it on rather than look inside (he is far too practical!). I turned it off. After coaxing him to check, he opened it and inside were the tests and a single bun. I finally got to do it! He has always been around when we find out...which always ruins my ability to surprise him. But not this time.

The photo above is of our first ultrasound at 6 weeks. Or at least what the ultrasound called 6 weeks. We had another on Christmas Eve and the baby has grown and appears to be healthy. I have another appointment soon and hopefully we will have good news from that one as well.

I keep wondering HOW I went from being infertile to having 4 children...I wonder if I really needed to feel all of the anxiety and pressure. Now that I am standing in this spot...I say, yes. Yes, I needed to go through that. I still feel like I'm fighting against some unseen foe, trying to have a family, unable to figure out how to accomplish my goals, wondering what is wrong with me and what God wants me to do, and desperately trying to figure out if I have TRUE faith or just pretend when I question why I have these particular trials and others don't...but what I realize is that others DO have the trials that I went through for many years. And while I have somehow been blessed with not one, but four beautiful, magnificent children, there are still others who have not. I wonder how I ended up in this new category and exactly when I got here. I don't think I can ever feel fully comfortable in this column of labels because I spent so much agonizing and painful time in the other. We are so very blessed. Miracles happen! I have tangible proof in Madelyn, Angelina, Parker and now this little cupcake...

mmmmm....cupcakes. Sounds good!

Oh! Let the predictions begin! Guess date and approximate time: there will be a special prize involved. You can change it as many times as you want, but your last guess will be the one that counts and the bidding closes on July 1st.