clearer but muddier

Recently, I have been hit with a new sense of clarity. When I was growing up it was clear I was meant to be an actress...when I was a teenager I started to doubt that, but by the time my senior year rolled around, I had received a clear answer to my prayers and my path...my path was clear to a certain point. Rocky but clear. I knew it would be difficult to get to where I was destined to be and that from time to time I would need to take breaks and find my way on softer ground. I've taken that break and it is clear that my feet need to step back on that stoney path...not because it is my will alone. I know this so strongly now.

Now that I am refocused and things are clearer...they all at once seem to be getting muddier as well. Ok...so I'm supposed to start back artistically....but as what? An actress, singer, producer director? I'm back on the path, but once again I have no clue where it is taking me. This is one of the most exhilarating and liberating feelings...but also one of the scariest. So I am floating until something feels right because the answers aren't specific.

I think back to how different my life would be if I had chosen a different path than the one I took against all odds as I entered college...I wouldn't have met my husband...I wouldn't have my children....I wouldn't be sitting here in Doha typing this blog post listening to Norah Jones singing a song that seems like a cross between a David Bowie Labyrinth song and a Jason Robert Brown musical piece outside of Parker's preschool door waiting to make sure that he is alright. "oh my minds racing from chasing heartaches. And I don't know how to slow it down." NJ

I SHOULD be thinking...how can I fit everything all in? But that has never been a problem for me, especially when I am doing what I'm supposed to be. The strength, wisdom and time necessary are always gifts given to me from God. So my mind is racing...but I doubt it is chasing heartaches...only if I DON'T follow my path...

Although I find it frustrating at times, I've always been able to "walk by faith, not by sight." Hopefully, my children will pick up on that as well. I'm not perfect at it, but I find as I get older I actually get further away from being able to do that....especially with little ones in tow. It isn't just me anymore...although looking back I suppose it never was just me. My husband keeps coming back with different 'next locations' - Romania, Sharm el Sheikh, Hongkong...and at first I start to panic...but then I take a deep breathe and think "I walk by Faith, not by sight." maybe the next stop will bring about my artistic rebirth...and then I'll just be back on that path of fulfilling my jobs and responsibilities that I agreed to so long ago...my spirituality is definitely intertwined with my artistic expression. I feel so much closer to my Heavenly Father when I am using my gifts.....

I love it when my children use the things I have given them...

I think there is something to that!