Body War

I popped it in. Laid the the mat out. Got a drink while I waited for the opening credits to finish. I started breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. Got on all fours, raised my right arm to the sky and stretch....ouch! Thread it through my other arm, breathing out, just like a needle. Up to the sky again...pain! Thread like a needle....

It's time for me to get real. I'm fat. I've lost a lot of my range. I can't stretch as nicely. Mostly because there is fat in the way. And I just don't feel good! I feel bad. I look bad. I am subtracting years from my life span. And my psuedo-doctor suggested that I lose some weight because it might be messing up my hormones.

It's time. Time to lose some weight.

Ugggghhh...so much effort and stress. And possibly failing. I hate failing. I've never been very accepting of this. However, I've never failed at anything that I set out to accomplish. It is just difficult this time getting my head in the game and accepting that 1) there is a problem with me and 2) I have to make up my mind and decide to fix the problem and 3) I need to start NOW because it IS indeed affecting my life.

I won't turn this into one of those "please support me as I lose weight" blogs. I won't. I can't. That makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Sooooo not me! Just know that occasionally you might hear of my successes or failures along the way. I plan on going back to my pre-pageant prep plan of exercise. Of course, that also was added to many hours of dance a week. So somehow I have to just start getting super involved in something similar. I'll be searching. I miss the freedom of dancing and feeling my body move and do as my mind willed it until my mind was doing what my body willed it - and they were one. There was freedom and inhibition and happiness and power in those movements. My body aches to feel that again...as does my heart.

Another complication of the weight gain is that I hate EVERY single picture that is taken of me. I have always had a fat face...and I could deal with that because I knew that the body wasn't. But now that the body IS as fat as the face it is a bit disconcerting. So, my other goal is to get down to a size I'm comfortable being photographed in. I hate that the goals are coming around New Year's, because it sounds like a new years resolution...let me clarify - these things are not. I don't do New Year's resolutions unless they are stupid simple - again, I hate failure. I like to be a bit realistic about things. I like to think of goals in terms of long and breaking them down into short goals. Patterns and paths. Losing weight will have have to be broken down into smaller bits as well.

There are a few things that are haunting me though...I don't want my girls to have hangups about their bodies, so I have to be really careful about how I approach this. I want them to be strong and confident. Right now they are 7 and 8 and at a prime age where they might pick up on any bad feelings I might have about my own body. So...this isn't really bad feelings about my body so much as a wake up call that if I want to live longer, be happier, do more - then I need to do something different. The other thing that is haunting me is the phrase the was said to my husband by a family member upon telling them he planned on marrying me and it is "she won't always look that way." I vowed to myself when I found out that I would prove that person wrong. Until now, I've done a pretty good job of that - but now, I've started to fail on that promise to myself. I can't let that person be right. Now, my teeth are gritted! Don't be surprised if they brake in the process...should probably just expect to have dental work done after all is said and done....

And yet, all at once, I feel like this huge hypocrite. I look at so many of my friends and see that their bodies are far from the hollywood perspective and yet they are GORGEOUS! in every way. And I encourage them, and tell them that they are beautiful and to stop beating themselves up. And I mean it 100%...and then I start beating myself up! I can spin this into "I want to be healthy and feel good and live long", but I would be lying if there wasn't a bit of vanity in there as well. I want to fit back into my size 4...size 2 jeans. I want to not have to worry if that oh-so-perfect dress would be available in my size...and I want to wear a shirt without wondering if at some point the button wasn't going to pop open and expose more than it should. These are my vanity filled dreams. An easier life...one where I don't have to shop for clothes and actually try things on...and leave empty handed because absolutely NOTHING fits.

on to happier things...

I'm about to post pics of halloween, birthday and Egypt. This may take me a day or two, but I'm bound and determined to do it!