the audition

When I was very young I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up...I said matter-of-factly "a firetruck." By the time I was about 3 I realized the dream of shiny red paint, chrome bumpers and a ladder on my side, speeding through town to extinquish a fire, was simply not possible. It was at this point that I decided I was going to be an actress. The dream began.

In middle school, I would adopt the violin and was actually quite promising. I always ranked high on chair tests - either being first or second chair. One summer I had the opportunity to attend orchestra camp. I had to audition for this. I had never really had to audition before for anything. If I was in a school play- I was just in and assigned a part. This was so different. I prepared my piece. When I went into the room to audition, I remember Dr. Gilman was there. I was so flippin nervous. My stomach wouldn't settle, my mouth was dry and I felt like I was going to puke any second. My pulse was racing. He asked me to do some scales. I wasn't prepared for this. I could do scales, but I was ready to play my piece. This felt sort of - well, out of left field somehow. I was internally freaking. Of course I could play a scale...but which one? How fast or slow? What positions did he want to see in my fingering? How many octaves should my scale entail? I was just EXPECTED to know this information. My brain wasn't working properly. I mustered all of my nerve, took a deep breath and went for it with gusto. First, third, fifth, sixth position fingerings showing I could do this. I reached the top of the scale, knowing that I was home free...I played everything in tune! Somehow on the up-bow, I lost control and my bow went flying out of my hand. All I could do was close my eyes, not knowing where the bow would land. I listened for the clanking sound of my poor walnut and mother-of-pearl inlaid bow, figuring it was about to meet its demise. I heard....nothing. I peeked out of my right eye first at the floor, but I saw nothing. I opened them both and found shokingly that my bow was hanging from the ceiling. At the tip of the bow there is this tiny curve that forms a hook and when it hit the ceiling tile, it got stuck. Oh the heat that rushed to my chest and then my face and ears was explosive and fast. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't inhale a breath at all. All I could do was stare wide eyed at my bow which was swinging ever so slightly and utterly out of my reach. I wanted to die. Why did THIS have to happen in front of Dr. Gilman...much revered and making decisions. He calmly walked over to my bow, pulled it gently down, handed it back to me and said, "please, continue." I don't remember the rest of the audition. I'm guessing it probably wasn't too great. It was the start of a long line of audition faux pas and missteps. Why? Because I lose my mind somewhere in an audition...it just decides to turn to jello and seep out of one of my ears.

I recall my first audition for a musical. I had never auditioned for one before. I was a freshmen in college. And I was so naive and stupid. The show was West Side Story. I watched the movie a couple of times. I read a couple of books about auditioning for musicals and they all suggested doing something with movement and nothing from the show and something that exhibited my acting skills. I had just seen Phantom of the Opera in San Francisco and I felt inspired. I decided that I would do "Think of Me". In the beginning she starts out very tremulous and unsure of herself and you can hear it in her voice (so there was my acting!), then in the middle of this song there is this fantastic musical interlude where they change her onstage into a real costume and the stage turns and she is singing to the audience and this incredible transformation occurs and suddenly she sounds fantastic and looks fantastic. I, in all of my (lack of) wisdom, decided I would cut the interlude a little shorter, but that I would DANCE to represent her change in personality and then I could sing the end of the piece and they would be able to see that I could also sing. So, with that piece I thought I would be able to show them acting, dancing and prove that I could sing. It seemed to fit the formulas I was reading about in the auditioning books. I marked up my music, I imagined it in my head, but I didn't have a pianist to help me practice. So, I just practiced with the cd. When I got into the audition, everything was so dark and intimidating. We were just informed that they had hired in some bigshot choreographer. My theatre director was there and that was enough to send me into antiphalactic shock and the head of the music department as well. OF COURSE they were there...they were supposed to be, but I was so nervous. I started my song, acting all meek and weak like Christine in the play...then there was the music change and I started dancing, but I lost track of my 8 counts and all I could do was keep dancing, the pianist just kept going right along, the more he played the more I danced adding in leaps and pirouettes and what should have been a simple transition turned into a full out impromptu interpretive/ballet/modern/jazz number...I kept listening for something familiar in the piece to help me know when to start singing since it sounded nothing like the full orchestrated cd I was familiar with...finally I heard it...but I was too out of breath to sing with strength and confidence and instead I sounded EXACTLY the way I did in the beginning. Just as I was getting my breath back in time for the vocal run at the end of the piece that was supposed to cement my ability to sing...the director said "thank you, that will be enough." I stayed composed, held my head up and walked off the stage....straight to bathroom and held in a scream of frustration at my stupidity. Oh it was horrible. Simply atrocious. I made every mistake possible. I still got cast though. As Riff's girl. I can't remember her name, I had 2 entire lines that consisted of one or two words each. Something like "oobly-do" or something...and my part was mainly...yep, you guessed it - DANCING. And I was chosen to be the dance captain. So, I guess it worked out for me in the end. I learned alot working with the choreographer. Coincidentally, someone was watching my audition and handed me the card to their production company and I started choreographing professionally for a children's performance company. It was a horrible audition but it led to good things.

I could go on and on about all of the stupid things I have done in auditions. I never do stupid things in productions. I am 100% reliable and consistent...but the audition...it does something freaky to me. I've had lots of auditioning classes/workshops...and still somehow I have issues with the audition. I've been very lucky though in that I am able to build on my successes. For instance, I was cast in West Side Story, there was a director there who made an effort to tell me how impressed he was with my ability to be so completely in character at all times. I went and auditioned for one of his shows (not a great audition AT ALL!) and he just stared at me and said "I had no idea you could sing as well!" He cast me as Tuptim in The King and I. Because of my reputation from there my roles increased...everyone knew I sucked at auditioning and basically cast me with knowledge of my actual production work. That is how it works for me. So, you can imagine how I must have felt when I moved to upstate New York. Again, I had to start over...sucking up in an audition...getting cast in a small part...impressing the people around me and getting a larger one later (actually in the same production!) and simply building upon that.

Now I'm here in Oman...and since I have been here I have been searching for some way to get back into the theatre. I have an audition. I have to start all over again, except this time, I don't have the excuse of being new...in fact, I have the added burden of possessing both a bachelors and a masters degree in Theatre. Pressure. Why did I have to get those degrees? I better never reveal that I have them. I don't really know much about the place or really even what I am auditioning for. It is all so very vague. The requirements are 2 contrasting music pieces and 1 minute of dancing any style and 1 minute of acting...but I am so at a loss. Since I have no idea of what I am auditioning for I have no idea how to construct/choose my audition material. Uggh. And of course, the knowledge that I will choke during this audition and end up starting all over again...is VERY discouraging. This is not to say that I haven't had really good auditions...I have. I have felt totally inspired and great about many of my auditions. It's just the statistics say I will blow it. However, the statistics also tell me that it really won't matter if I do. I almost always get cast, with a few rare exceptions. I am usually very lucky that way. But I hate depending on luck and mercy to get my foot in the door. Once I flew to NY to audition for this wacky musical. I learned all of the songs for all of the parts to be prepared. I went in, and before I could get through my section of the song, they said "thank you" and didn't ask me to come to the call back. My friend who came with me was asked to the callback (she is good at auditioning). I got this crazy idea ( I often do, especially where auditions are concerned) and I thought...hmmmm...I am going to MAKE another chance. So I changed my outfit and hair and makeup, got a different headshot/resume format and went back. There wasn't anyone around. I went into that room and it took them a while, but eventually they remembered seeing me. They asked me stunned, why I had come back instead of just coming to the callback...I reminded them that they had excused me without an invitation. He showed me the clipboard that he had marked me down as being asked. If I hadn't had the guts to go back I wouldn't have known that. I simply cannot depend on luck...it is against my nature. Soooo...this audition is coming up...I haven't got a clue if this company is even legitimate or what their plans are...I have no idea, once again, what I should do. Over the last decade I have improved to the point of being a professional auditioner.... ;) I still get the jobs and I don't do nearly as many embarrassing or stupid things...but I always worry that at any point my brain might turn to jello...and I will slip back into my bow flinging, random dancing, voice cracking, exiting the wrong way, losing my voice, saying something stupid, doing exactly what I would never do in a live production auditioning days.





Oh and they want an A5 size headshot...what the heck is that? I have 8x10's...and now the freak out begins....how am I even supposed to choose which headshot to use if I don't even know what it is for? Things are run way different here...that in itself opens the door up for more misshaps.