I am trying very hard to hold on to all of the positive emotions that go along with this move...but sometimes the negative slips in. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to actually say goodbye to anyone. If I could just leave. And not look back...avoid some of the pain of separation. There is this deep part of me that doesn't want to see people because I am terrified of the disappointment I might feel as I turn back for that one last parting glance...and they have already moved on because they didn't care as much about me as I cared for them. I will have to deal with the hurt of just being one less person to clutter the space around them. I have already seen this happen with people who have moved away or live a distance that I was once close to and have tried to keep in contact with. They just don't care about me as much as I care about them. It hurts.

As stressed out as I am about this move and getting everything done...or as close to done as possible, I still managed to try and carve out time for loved ones. Recently a friend and I had planned to do this fun activity we enjoy this summer and spend an entire weekend away. That never happened so I called to schedule a single day for us to go and have fun before I moved. I finally got ahold of her and we set the date for three weeks. I got a baby sitter and everything and continued to shift things around and postpone things that needed to get done so that that day would stay free. It was important to me. I talked to her about 5 days before the event and she was hesitant but confirmed our date. I called her the day before to discuss logistics and she told me she forgot and THAT MORNING she had told another family member (one she sees all the time! one who will be here after I leave!) that she would go with them and do something pretty average (meaning nothing compared to what we had planned) in the middle of the day. I said it was fine and bowed out graciously. But inside I was angry, hurt and my ego had taken a whack because what it amounted to was that she didn't care enough about me to protect the day to spend time with me - she chose someone else. Of course, I tried to reschedule, but the truth is I didn't want to go anymore knowing how little importance I was to her. And there is a lot of history there. Rescheduling didn't work because the kids have dr's appointments, etc to do before we leave. I knew how precious my time had become which is why I booked with her early and fought to keep that time ours. I guess I was most hurt when I texted her that I couldn't make the 2nd try because I was too booked at that point and she texted back something to the effect of that we should have planned earlier. Are you kidding me? We planned three weeks in advance!?! No we didn't know EXACTLY where we were going to meet, but that was easily decided the night before. How could she not take responsibility for her mistake? Maybe because it wasn't a mistake...but don't try to pass it off as if I was the one to blame. Some "friend!" And it is moments like these I want to avoid because honestly, it hurts my heart.

Along the same lines of "people- just- not- really- caring- enough- that- I -am- leaving" is the point that I am trying to get to the most...what is wrong with me? Why haven't I left behind a certain something that will be missed? Did I go about things the wrong way? What did I do wrong? We all want to be missed to some degree and I don't feel as if anyone will really know that I am gone. That makes me sad. I have left no imprint, set no standard with which others could hope to live up to...I have left - nothing. So, does that make me nothing? I mean, if I am so insignificant who can blame her for finding something else to do with her day? This feels a bit like it is her fault...but maybe it isn't, maybe I am simply not likeable.

Yes, I know I am being dramatic...but I really don't want to look back and see that look. I think I am taking with me the only thing anyone will miss in the form of my spirited children. And I can't really take credit for them. I simply ushered them into the world and tried to help them along, but ultimately they make their own paths and decisions and unlike some people that I know...they should take complete responsibility for their actions eventually. Full credit. I want them to get credit for all the good they do in the world, not me. Consequently, I think this is where most mothers get lost. They think that their children are their products. But that is wrong. The joy a mother feels when a child does something right, should be joy and not personal pride. I see parents wear their children's accomplishments as if they are their own. "MY son is in medical school!" and I have seen other parents act ashamed of their children as if what the child chose using HIS brain and free will was somehow their fault. This is false because the children are not us. We can be embarrassed by them, hurt by them, but ultimately when they are old enough they run their own lives. When parents think this way they give up a large part of themselves and sadly, it seems, though I have fought against it - I have lost myself. I consider myself a strong woman and I have tried to leave a legacy of continual excellence in all that I do and am passionate about, trying to touch peoples hearts, but it seems that I was ineffective.

And yet how wrong am I to be measuring my personal success based on what other people think or feel? I know it is wrong, it is certainly not what I am teaching my children. "Don't compare yourselves to others, only to yourself. Be your best YOU!" Words of wisdom, straight out of my mouth, yet so hard to swallow right now. I know it is true, but the sting of rejection is still felt.

So, if you have to say goodbye to me, if I am not allowed to simply slip off unbeknownst to the world around me...please at least make the goodbye feel somewhat authentic? I don't need weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth, but a sorrowful smile with a glint of hope would be nice. Just a little something to let me know (or at least imagine) that you cared that I was leaving and wished me well. Just don't let me see you texting someone else when I turn around and take one last glance...or singing hallelujah. Wait. Wait until I am gone.